Life

It has been a long day....

Samuel, my twenty year old brother, woke me up in the wee hours of the morning to let me know that my grandma had to be rushed into emergency surgery - again. It had been nearly two weeks since she had miraculously beat the odds through a procedure we were told she had a one percent chance of surviving. We had taken turns staying with her over the past week, and it looked like she was going to be just fine. But then late last night, her intestines shut down. We were told that medically speaking; she has no chance of surviving this. We were told she has at most one to three days.

So right now I am sitting with my grandma through the night. I am listening to her shallow breathing, the occasional moan, and "I love you guys" mumbled at times. I was listening to the phone conversation with her brother, when she told him that she would tell their parents and his wife hello from him. I heard him say that "this is not goodbye - it's see you later." I saw her hug her children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren; telling them to please go ahead and squeeze her tight - although it had to have hurt. Before she drifted off to sleep she said there were no regrets, she has lived a full life, and although she was not planning on it - she is ready to go.

We know that life is in the hands of God. Our beginning is a miraculous event - and our end is simply another beginning. For the one who has trusted Jesus with their life - there is no fear when it ends; knowing that our time is set by God. So we pray for peace, we pray for a miracle, we pray for God's will to be done.

Life is a gift. Right now every hour, every minute I have with my grandma is very special, every word she speaks important. She told me a little while ago that we have to treasure this time together, and I realized that I have not truly cherished the special relationship I have in her. My resolution is to  treasure the family God gave me; to cherish the gift of life.

I don't know how this story will end - God may perform a miracle and let my grandma stay with us a while longer. And if she goes to heaven; her miracle of life will continue. All I know to do is live the life God gave me, so that I have no regrets - and although I would not plan on it - to be ready to go. To fight for and cherish the lives around me. To be grateful every day for the gift of life.

Dear Jesus, I thank you for giving us life. I pray that I would not take it for-granted. Thank-you that you paid for our eternal life. I ask for Your peace, I ask for a miracle, I ask that Your will be done. Thank you for loving my loved ones more than I ever could. Love Your daughter - Jessica.

Update: My Grandma passed later on the next day after I wrote this. Before she was unable to talk anymore, she told me that she was not afraid at all... that she trusted in God to take her home.

See you later Grandma.

Waiting...

"Come-on you guys, we've gotta go!" I called out to the back of the house, "We are going to be late!"

It was Wednesday evening, and we were running late for church - a scene that is regularly played out in the McCray household. It never seems to fail; even though we may start getting ready in plenty of time, come quarter to seven we're still at home.

"Y'all I'm not kidding!" My frustration level and my voice had raised a little. A chorus of "I'm coming Jessica, just chill" only added to my frustration. Finally, come about seven, we all pile in the van: save the lone straggler that cannot find his shoes. I walk back into the house and yell... "GET OUT HERE NOW"!

Ok, to be completely honest, patience is a character quality that I really need to work on. I really do not like waiting - on anything! (Like really - like I hate waiting on microwaves). It seems like time is passing ever so quickly, and I am not accomplishing a thing, I'm just waiting.

And then, of course, I see the wall art with the catch phrase "Wait on the Lord". And maybe a part of me groans. Of course I have been waiting on God. I mean I don't have a "career, college education, boyfriend / husband", and I'm still living at home because I have been waiting for direction... right? (Thankfully this part of me does not rise up very much anymore; I mean I enjoy cleaning houses, my mom saw to it that I was just as educated as many college grads, and having a husband would mean that I would have to leave my home and my family - whom I love a whole lot!)

Waiting is not sitting back and letting life pass you by; and although it is not rushing headlong into every possible opportunity, it is also allowing Godly opportunities to have a place in your life. Waiting is where God molds your character. Waiting is not becoming discontented with your present circumstances, but rather it allows God to use the place that you are in to bring about His will in your life.

So even though I know all of this - I know the right words to say - why do I still struggle sometimes with knowing the will of God for me? Why do I at times question  the direction that I am going? I have been realizing that much of my "waiting" is simply my being afraid of change.

So maybe I need to change the reason I am waiting, or I need to learn how to wait... Maybe while I'm waiting, I need to become a student of Christ, so that if He calls me to something different I will be well equipped to face the challenge. And in the everyday sort of scenario - like the one mentioned at the beginning of this article - maybe I should look for practical ways to help; and leave the rounding up to my parents. #1. They are in charge, not me. #2. Their voices are much louder than mine!

Lord Jesus I thank you that you are in control of my life. I ask that you would teach me how to wait. I love you so much. From your daughter, Jessica.